'No Sweets' November and the 21 Day Myth.

I have always had a sweet tooth but over recent months I have developed quite the habit for eating my way through an alarming amount of sweets, as in candy/snoepjes. Towards the end of October it struck me that the month of November, what with it's 30 days and all, would be a perfect month to set myself  a '30 Day Challenge'. My motivation really was just to have some sort of goal to focus on and it started out in my head as an exercise in fine tuning my self discipline more than anything else. At the same time it seemed like a good opportunity to kick a bad habit so I set myself the challenge of not eating any sweets for the month of November.

Before going any further, let me just tell you that I succeeded in the challenge. I have not eaten a single sweet in November. 

My Observations during the Challenge.

1. As the month went on I found myself eating more and more chocolate as an (unintentional) replacement habit.

2. My cravings for sweets didn't ever go away. Every day I really wanted to eat some sweets. I had real difficulties staying away from the sweets aisle in the supermarket.

My Conclusion.

You can't make the cravings go away but you can decide for yourself that you are not going to give in to them. At the end of the day you either put the sweets in your mouth or you don't, you are the one in control of that.

I say 'conclusion', but actually I believed in the part about self will and self discipline all along. I was really surprised about the cravings however. I am sure they got stronger instead of weaker as the month went on and I wasn't expecting that.

I thought that it was supposed to take 21 days to change a habit?!

It turns out that that is a popular myth. The origins of the myth can be traced back to a Dr Maltz, a plastic surgeon who made some observations back in the 1950's relating to the length of time it took his patients to fully adjust to their new image. He published the book 'Psycho-Cybernetics' in 1960 in which he said that it takes a minimum of 21 days to adjust to a new image. The book went on to be a best seller and was embraced by hordes self help pundits. As more people talked about it a process akin to the Chinese Whispers game took place and the key word 'minimum' got dropped from the quote.

The thing is that if something is said enough times by enough people then eventually everyone starts to believe it and a myth is born.

Studies into habit forming have actually found that the length of time it takes to change a habit is variable from person to person and also depends on the nature of the habit. There is no Magic Number of days that it takes. 

Well, I'm not sure where all this leaves me at. The one thing I do know is that come tomorrow, the 1st December, I will be blissfully tucking in to the above photographed sweets!

To Journal or Not To Journal?

I've always wanted to be one of those people who diligently keeps a journal but somehow I've never managed to stick with one beyond a handful of entries. It sounds such a simple thing to do, but in practice it's not quite so straightforward. There are so many things to consider.

1. What is the point of journaling? The reasons are endless, from expressing and dealing with your innermost thoughts and feelings to simply recording and documenting events in your life.

2. Who is the intended reader? Do you journal just for yourself with the intention that no one else ever read it or do you anticipate that it will become some sort of legacy?

3. Should the journal have a particular theme? For example a gratitude journal, a travel journal or a journal documenting a diet and fitness plan.

4. How much should you write for a journal entry? One word, one sentence, two pages?

5. What about frequency. Is it necessary to make a journal entry every single day?

In the past I have tried to write the sort of therapeutic 'put all your feelings down on paper' sort of journal. This doesn't work for me. I have also attempted 'what I did today' types and 'this is what I am grateful for today' types. They were all abandoned pretty rapidly.

Three months ago I started writing yet another journal only this time I took an entirely new approach. I started out with just one rule that being to have no rules! No pre-ordained guidelines, no objectives, no parameters, no constraints whatsoever regarding any of the above points. This kind of non disciplined approach to such a task is radical for me. Believe me, this is me going off-piste and straight out of my comfort zone. :-)

Basically I write as and when I feel like it, about whatever I want and at any length. Sometimes I don't write anything for a whole two weeks, but that's OK. Sometimes I write just one word, other times a whole lot more. Sometimes I write about something I'm thinking or feeling, other times I write the definition of a new word I have learnt. I write down quotes I like, something one of my children has said, a story in the news, a profound thought, song lyrics, what I did that day or a new challenge I have set myself. Anything, everything and nothing. It's all allowed.

And it works for me! Essentially I have freed myself from the possibility of 'failing' at the task and in doing so have been able to stick with it.

The Tulip Mug

Susan took a deep breath as she stepped out the front door with her two children, willing herself to hold it together and be strong. She loaded everyone into the car and set off on the familiar route to school. In the playground she said goodbye to her daughter, waving with a forced air of lightness as the little girl skipped off to join the line for her class. She waited, clutching tightly at her son's hand, for what seemed like forever for the teacher to lead her daughter's class inside. The playground was alive with chatter and that sense of fresh beginnings that always accompanies the first day of a new school year. Susan stood rooted to the spot, trying to be invisible, hoping none of the other mothers attempted conversation with her. She feared breaking down if they did, making a fool of herself in front of everyone.

At last the teachers started to make their way inside the school building, lines of excitable children snaking along behind them. Susan readied herself to leave, impatient to get herself and her son out of there as soon as possible.

The line for the kindergarden class was a hub of both excitement and trepidation. This was a special day, their first ever day at 'big' school. The children were restless, eager for this new adventure to begin. The mothers slightly anxious, unsure how their child would cope with this day, but proud and happy too. Happy to be experiencing this milestone moment in their child's life. Every mother remembers their child's first day at school.

Susan watched as the kindergarden class made it's way into the school. She watched as the children her son had been at preschool with waved to their mothers and hurried along to keep up with the line. She watched. The torture of it tearing away at her inside as the class that her son should have been in made it's way into the building.

She fled from that playground as soon as she had seen her daughter's Disney Princess backpack disappear through the school door. She walked, as quickly as her son's little legs would allow, back to her car. She fastened her son into his car seat and headed off to the other side of town. The side of town that she would be heading to every morning from now on after dropping her daughter at school. The side where her son's new school was. The school for children who were different to most.

The people at her son's new school were lovely and very welcoming, but they were strangers. The other children in the group were new faces to both Susan and her son. Still, Susan stayed to settle her son in the room, had a few words with the teacher and then headed for home.

The sound of the front door clicking shut behind her was Susan's cue to let her guard down. In the privacy of her own home she could set aside her brave face. She sat down and cried. She cried because life wasn't fair. She cried because it hurt. She cried because she felt so alone with her emotions. She hadn't talked to anyone else about how hard this day was going to be. How could she have explained it? Who would understand?

Afterwards Susan busied herself as much as possible, trying not to dwell, trying to strengthen up in time for school pick up when she was going to have to face the whole torment over again but in reverse.

Later, when Susan and the children were home again after school, when Susan was still wrestling with her emotions, there was an unexpected knock at the front door. Susan opened the door to find one of the mothers from school on her doorstep. The woman thrust a wrapped package in to Susan's hands. "This is for you." she said "Today must have been really tough for you and I just wanted you to know that I think you have been really brave."
Susan was overwhelmed. She hadn't realised that anyone else understood. She didn't really know what to say as she unwrapped the gift, a beautiful mug decorated with tulips. How was she supposed to put in to words what this gesture meant to her?
In the end she said "Thank you." Just Thank You.

' He Dances To His Own Tune ' - Autism 101

Autism is a very complex disorder and takes a lot of time and learning to fully understand. With this post I hope to cover the basics and give a little insight to anyone not familiar with autism. I could talk ad infinitum about it but will try to keep this short yet informative. Instead of writing this post essay style I think it will be more helpful to use sub-headings and try to keep to the facts.

Rain Man
It seems that the word 'autism' has become synonymous with the film 'Rain Man' so this is a good place to start and perhaps dispel some myths! The film is based on the life of a man called Kim Peek (who sadly passed away in 2009). Although the character in the film was portrayed as having autism, Kim Peek himself didn't have autism. He did have a developmental disability but it was due to another brain condition entirely. His exceptional memory and amazing ability with numbers that everyone remembers so clearly from the film were due to the fact that he was a Savant and not because of autism. Savant syndrome is incredibly rare. Not all Savants are on the autism spectrum, but a majority are. It is estimated that at least 30% of people diagnosed with autism have some area of special skill, an area in which their abilities are significantly above the average. However prodigious skills to the level that Peek had, for example, are rare.

Triad of Impairments
Autism can best be described as a condition causing difficulties in communication and social interaction, and inflexibility and repetitiveness in activities and interests. This is known as the Triad of Impairments in autism. These characteristics come in many forms and vary in both degree and expression from person to person with autism but some examples are:-

• absent or unusual eye contact
• unusual or repetitive use of language
• delayed speech development
• inability to initiate conversation or make 'small talk'
• a need for rigid routines 
• pre-occupation with one particular interest

The above list really is a very small sample of autistic characteristics but gives an idea of the ways in which autism manifests itself. People with autism may or may not have intellectual disabilities and often have other disorders alongside their autism such as sensory difficulties.

The Autism Spectrum
Autism effects people in different ways and in varying degrees from the relatively mild to the very severe. It is a very individual disorder and whilst there are broad patterns of symptoms and behaviours, no two individuals with the condition are the same. Because of this autism is described as a Spectrum Disorder. There are a number of sub-types of autism on the spectrum including PDD-NOS, classic autism and Asperger syndrome.

Diagnosis
There is no medical test for autism and no simple snappy definition of the disorder. There are lists of autistic symptoms and in order to be diagnosed with an Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) an individual must display a certain number of these symptoms and in certain combinations. Normally a diagnosis is only given at all if there is a particular need to have a diagnosis in order to qualify for certain help e.g. if a child needs special educational support. Diagnosis is often a lengthy process involving various observations and assessments and should include more than one type of medical  practitioner i.e. a psychologist, a speech and language therapist and so on.

Cause
There is currently no known cause of autism. There is a mass of research being conducted into the disorder and there are a lot of credible theories but as yet no conclusive answers have been found. There is strong evidence for a genetic basis to the disorder, most likely a polygenic one. There are lots of viable neurobiological and cognitive theories as well. My personal belief is that the mystery lies somewhere along the line of a genetic sequencing causing a certain brain hard wiring that leads to a particular cognitive functioning. But that's just my non-professional opinion I must stress!
There is a lot of unhelpful misinformation bandied about suggesting that environmental factors such as the MMR vaccine cause autism. These theories have absolutely no scientific or medical grounding whatsoever.

Cure
There is no 'cure' for autism. There are lots of therapies that are very helpful in alleviating some of the difficulties associated with autism such as speech therapy or social skills training but these things are not cures as such.
The whole notion of 'curing' autism is a sensitive issue in itself. Many people, myself included, find the suggestion that people with autism need to be 'cured' actually quite offensive. As I see it, autism is not a medical condition or an 'error' in brain wiring that needs to be cured. It is a variation in the way an individual typically thinks, behaves and interacts with the world and is no less valid than a neurotypical personality.
If you are interested to read more about this way of thinking it is known as the Neurodiversity Movement.

It is not all Doom and Gloom.
At the extreme end of the spectrum autism can cause an individual to be completely withdrawn from the world, remain mute and be incapable of living an independent life. In terms of the dependence, this usually occurs in cases where a person with autism also has a very low IQ meaning a significant level of mental impairment.

Fortunately, the majority of people on the spectrum are not nearly as severely effected. Autistic people with average (more so with above average) IQ are able to learn tools and techniques which help them to mask or manage their symptoms and function relatively 'normally' within society. For example, autistic people do not necessarily intuitively react to another person's emotions but they are able to observe social norms and rules, learn them and mimic them. Thus they may be able to have a 'normal' conversation with a stranger let's say, but for an autistic person what comes naturally to the rest of us takes a lot of focus and energy because it is a learnt skill rather than an intuitive one.

Another positive are the niche skills that often accompany autism. Autistic people tend to have what is known as 'scattered skills'. This means that their level of skill in one area to another varies wildly. We all have our particular areas of strengths and weaknesses but in autistic people these strengths and weaknesses can be magnified. Thus, they can have retarded ability in one area but genius level ability in another at the same time. It is also possible for an autistic person to have drastically different abilities within the same skill area, for example struggling with basic counting of numbers but able to solve complex algebra.

Increasingly employers are recognising that far from being unemployable, autistic people have some particular niche skills that far exceed the average person's abilities making them an asset in the workplace. Autistic people generally have a keen eye for detail, often at the expense of the bigger picture, which is at complete odds to the neurotypical majority of us who are generally better at seeing the bigger picture but can completely miss a particular detail. Autistic people literally do see things differently to the majority of people and thus have something very valuable to contribute to society. To use a cliche, they are often real 'outside of the box' thinkers.

Autistic people also seem to have a pre-disposition to logical thinking and an inherent ability to recognise patterns and sequences which is why they commonly have particularly strong talents in the fields of maths, physics,computing and engineering.

In Summary
I will stop there! This is by no means everything there is to say about autism, it's causes and characteristics, but I hope that what I have said above is in some way informative. Needless to say, I know a lot more about it and if you have any particular questions please feel free to ask me. Of course if you are really interested to learn about autism in more depth there are plenty of books and websites on the subject that I can point you in the direction of.

Understanding the Language Around You - or not. An Observation.

I am an English native speaker living in a Dutch speaking country (that would be the Netherlands of course). Now, by British standards I could be considered a fairly good linguist; after all I have GCSE's in both Spanish and German and an A Level in Spanish. However that notion was quickly debunked by living in The Netherlands where the majority of the population are able to efficiently speak two if not three or more languages. Add in the fact that I live amongst many multilingual expats and it follows that the whole subject of foreign languages has become infinitely fascinating to me.

Below is one of my observations based on my own personal experience of living in a country where the language spoken is not my native tongue. 

At first when you live in a country where you don't understand the language you are acutely aware of people around you talking, in a way that can make your head hurt because no matter how hard you listen and focus you have no idea what they are saying and can discern very little from it. After a while you become accustomed to not understanding and start to 'switch off'. You start walking around in your own little bubble, zoning out to the language around you. The bubble is a quiet and peaceful place with few distractions.

At the same time the converse starts to happen when you make trips back to your home country. You get so used to living in a public world that you have tuned out of that suddenly being in public spaces is very distracting in an almost autistic way. You are able to tune in to everything that is being said in the environment around you. For example, in a cafe you can find yourself trying to keep up with the conversations of every other person in the cafe. It is hard to filter out any of it and the overload becomes almost overwhelming at times. There are too many of what the Dutch call 'prikkels', stimuli. (I include the word prikkels just because it is one of my favourite Dutch words, very onomatopoeic.) The sensation is as if everyone around you is shouting because everything auditory is so clear and sharply in focus.

Then comes the point when you have lived in the foreign country long enough to understand the basics of the language and you become familiar with certain words and phrases. At this point you can sort of pick and choose, dip in and out of focus. Sure, if you pay attention and concentrate you can pick up what is being said around you and follow along in a general sort of way, but at the same time, it's still easy enough to drift and shut off to it.

Inevitably over time you progress with the 'foreign' language and acquire a degree of proficiency with it. Recently I have noticed just how much I am subconsciously 'tuning in' and listening in on the conversations of people around me when I'm out and about simply because, I am excited to realise, I can!! 

What I am interested to know is, is this just me or have other people experienced these things similarly? 

A Big Fan of the Little Things

It's been a while, huh?!

Today is the first day in way too long that I have actually been at home by myself for most of the day.
Today I am remembering what happens when I am home alone and have no one to talk with; I end up having an internal dialogue with myself.
Today, I told myself, would be a good day to write a blog post.

So, that is what I have done.

These past couple of days autumn has arrived in the Netherlands quite suddenly and very abruptly. I am very concious of things like the suddenly darker evenings, the need to put an extra layer of clothing on in the morning and the sanctity of the indoors when it is wet outside. As I sit here wrapped up in a cosy jumper watching the cold rain fall heavily outside I have decided that I am a big fan of the little things. You know, the little, simple things in life that make you happy.

One of my favourite 'simple little things', especially at this time of year, are Vaseline Lip Therapy tins. I have loads of them in different scents. I keep them everywhere; in the kitchen, in my car, in my handbag, on the computer desk....you get the picture. In fact I would even say that I am something of a 'serious collector' of them and always try to purchase the limited edition ones. The Creme Brulee one is an absolute must. Alas, it was a Limited Edition one and no longer available so if you haven't already got it, well, bad luck!

I'm trialling a 'keep it short and simple so as not to bore readers too much' approach to my blog posts. So, that is it really. Do share your own 'simple little things' if you would like to.

Wave your hands in the air like you don't care..

'Glide by the people as they start to look and stare, do your dance, do your dance, do your dance quick mamma.' *

As a teenager I was constantly embarrassed by my Mum in public. Par for the course I know. Every time I said to her things like "Muuuum, people will hear you" or "Muuuum, people are looking at you" she would always respond with "I don't care". I could never understand that, never fathom how she could possibly not care what other people were thinking about her. But now I do.

Now I get it. Now I have a teenage daughter myself, I have come full circle on this. The other day I was in a supermarket with my daughter and I started singing along out loud to the music they were playing. Inevitably my daughter complained "Muuuum, people can hear you you know!". Guess what I replied, yep, I said "I don't care", and I meant it. In that moment I really didn't care what other people thought and that felt great!.

Singing in the supermarket is one thing though, intruding on the conversation of complete strangers is quite another. My Mum does this a LOT. I still get embarrassed now when she does it. Her stock replies to my protestations of "Muuuum!" on these occasions are "What?, I'm just being friendly" or "What?, I'm only trying to be helpful". She is a true master of giving unasked for information or advice to complete strangers.

To my shame, however, I recently did this myself. It's only happened once mind, but I fear I'm on the slippery slope. I was in a queue in a coffee shop (the sort where they just sell coffee, not the Dutch sort), and the customer in front of me was clearly an acquaintance of the person serving at the counter. They were both young women and both pregnant with their first child. They started a conversation about their respective pregnancies and I couldn't help but listen in. What can I say?; I'm interested in other people's pregnancies. So, I'm listening along and then they start asking each other about prenatal classes and wondering if they are worth attending or not and they both sounded a bit lost.

Well, I'm standing there, a woman with some experience in this area, and I'm just bursting to share my words of wisdom with these complete strangers. So I did it. For the first time ever, I interrupted the conversation of two absolute strangers and offered my completely unasked for advice. It gets worse. I actually opened with "Excuse me for interrupting, but I'm a mother of three children and I can tell you..........".

All I can say is, thank goodness my daughter wasn't with me at the time, for her own sake!.



* Lyrics from Word up! - Cameo